No, this is not a story about a boy. If you want one of those, ask me in person.
It's something I think is much more worth writing about: God's stubborn love.
Just as I thought semesters couldn't get any worse than the last, this fall has been so weird. And so incredibly stressful. It was so stressful that my immune system went HUACK and the herpes virus that gave me the chickenpox at age six came back to life in the form of shingles.
But the incredible thing about this semester is that it really says nothing about me, but everything about God.
I have tried left and right to run away from God this fall.
Class discussions about kitsch, affirmative culture, and other depressing philosophies made me question Christianity all together. For a period of three days about a month ago, I was absolutely convinced that this whole Jesus thing was a hoax and I no longer was going to be a Christian. I was so pissed off at two-faced Christians who were so good at putting on the "happy" costume but were just hiding their true brokenness on the inside. Even though I thought I had found the truth and was going to leave all this fake Christian crap, those three days where I totally didn't believe in Jesus anymore were the most miserable three days of my life. Everything fell apart...and I couldn't deny that Jesus was the only thing that could hold me together.
Despite that experience, I was still trying to avoid God.
I tried to drink and sleep away my anxiety. All the stress I was experiencing in ministry and school I tried to avoid by dwelling in sin- I struggled a lot with being sexually pure in my thoughts and even my actions, and I didn't run away from it. I would read about God's wrath, and just think, "whatevers." Treated my friends like they were my enemies, and hated it when it seemed like they were barging in on my life.
The stress just kept getting worse and worse, and I was so annoyed that even though I didn't want to do things God's way, for some odd reason, I really couldn't deny that God was so real to me.
It seemed to me that life's problems would seem so much easier to deal with if I didn't have to do it the Jesus way.
But anyways, God!!! did this:
With the shingles diagnosis, my mom pleaded that I go back to San Jose on Monday. I was really reluctant to go because there were some messy things at home that I didn't want to deal with.
Back at home, things were just as I expected: pretty horrible. I didn't want to face my problems, and there were just a lot of tears and arguments. I got so mad that I stormed out of the house at 10pm Monday night. I grew up in MA, so I was basically walking around by myself in San Jose, not knowing where I was going, but hoping that maybe I would get hit by a car or freeze to death in 40 degree weather...and that all this shit would just end.
After walking around in the dark for 30 minutes, I really had to go pee. Found a Safeway, went pee. Felt much better and I was prepared to walk more. The moment I walk out of Safeway, my mom pulls up to the front door of the supermarket.
I was SO MAD that my mom just HAPPENED to pull into Safeway parking lot when I finished using the bathroom. WHY GOD!? I wanted to be left alone, but my mom refused to drive away. I got in the car, and heard my mom sob, and my heart broke.
Next morning, mom continued to sob next to and with me as I worked things out painfully and slowly with the family. She cooked, brought me to the doctors, talked to me, brought me to Costco so that I could bring healthier foods back to school, and then she drove me back to the Fremont BART station even though driving really stresses her out.
This is what my mom did for me after:
I called her, and told her, "I'm not coming home for Thanksgiving because family stresses me out."
I refused to talk to her or anyone in the family for a week.
I stormed out the house at 10 pm even when I knew it was stupid and my mom told me not to.
I was a complete jackass in so many ways.
So, how did Mom point me to God?
God has seen everything I've done in the past months. My mom saw just a portion the ugly in me for a week. God saw major ugly for way longer. He saw me doubt. He heard me say, "You annoy me. Get out of my life!" He saw me be unfaithful, over and over and over, and not regret it.
And for some reason, God still led my mom to find me Monday night. For some reason, He still gave me faith to believe He exists. For some reason, He DIED for me on the cross.
For some reason, God LOVES me?!?!
Stubborn love? Helllllll yeah!
And way undeserved...
Romans 8: 35, 37-39 (ESV, then Vicky's paraphrase)
“Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither messed up relationships with loved ones, treating friends like crap, no hope after graduation, singleness, bitterness at ministry, love for alcohol, sexual impurity, unrighteous anger, disgusting pride, poor grades, the shingles, hurting leg injuries, nor anything else in ALL creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
I hope you guys also experience this stubborn, but so incredibly real love of God. :)
