Kristin recorded the first time I led worship in college, sophomore year at Navs.
I just found the file and started listening.
The collective sound of the congregation, my spiritual family at Berkeley, singing praises to the Lord, made me realize just how much people mean to me.
These past two months, I've been living in denial of how much I actually care about people. I told my parents over break, in tears, "Whatever. SUIBIAN! I don't care about these people. They just suck out of my life and make me miserable and hurt. I am SO HURT. I can't take it anymore!!! I'm going to move on from Berkeley, fly far away to Boston, maybe Asia, forget about this, and find new things to deal with."
While listening to the worship set, I could pick out certain voices. I matched voices to faces, faces to memories, and despite how much I've been telling myself I don't care, I actually really love.
What makes the worship recording soooo beautiful is that we were all singing to a God that loves despite our brokenness and sinfulness. And we were forgiven.
What makes friendships beautiful is the fact that there's love shared between two imperfect people. And friends forgive.
I've been a really imperfect friend to so many. And I think I'm about ready to start asking people to forgive me.
Geez, God's doing crazy things this week.
Yeah.
Craaazzaaayyy shit. Haha, God, You're CRAZY!!!
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Cosmic Disappointment. Lasting Hope.
Tim Keller wrote in Counterfeit Gods (which I HIGHLY recommend),
"Through all of life there runs a ground note of cosmic disappointment.
When you finally realize this, there are four things you can do.
1. You came blame the things that are disappointing you and try to move on to better ones. That's the way of continued idolatry and spiritual addiction.
2. The second thing you can do is blame yourself and beat yourself and say, "I have somehow been a failure. I see everybody else is happy. I don't know why I am not happy. There is something wrong with me." That's the way of self-loathing and shame.
3. Third, you can blame the world. You can say, "Curses on the entire opposite sex" in which case you make yourself hard, cynical, empty.
4. Lastly, you can, as C.S. Lewis says at the end of his great chapter on hope, reorient the entire focus of your life toward God. He concludes, 'If I find in myself a desire, which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.' (something supernatural and eternal)"
I think I try about every option, everyday. I'm so good at blaming people. Just look at the past two months. Blaming myself. Blaming the guys...oh yes. And then in the end, somehow, I always come back to God. It's like there's no way I can resist this concept of grace even though it's so hard for me to understand.
Yesterday, a lot of things were difficult. I'm not going to lie. I don't cry very much in Berkeley, only in San Jose or on BART. It's not the tough girl to thing do. But yesterday, I sat in the kitchen doing my QTs and just started crying as I journaled.
"God has a perfect plan. He works out for good. Things come and go, but the Word of the Lord stands forever. I'm disappointed,God. I've spent so much of my time living for what I think is "eternal" in this thing called ministry and I see so many people who don't pour nearly as much of themselves into others...and they get by just fine. And here I am, struggling with a stupid crush, not doing my usual "ministry" anymore, and feeling so worthless.
Somehow, I guess You do have a plan. It's just hard to live for the unseen.
But the honest truth is,
I really have just so much to be thankful for."
Two hours after writing this, I get a D on my counterpoint assignment that took me SO LONG!!! Shit, a D! In my favorite class too, hella hard, but so enjoyable. And my awesome French professor just had to make announcements to the whole class too on how we did.
He told me that I make my chorales sound like workout music for the basses. Dood, I realize that the music that I compose is such a reflection of my own self. Busy, demanding, crazy...yeah, totally not in the style of Bach.
Too bad my personality just doesn't go well with Baroque music. Usually, his criticisms make me laugh and I really appreciate what I learn from my mistakes, but yesterday, it was really harsh.
Cosmic disappointment, yes.
But reason to rejoice?
Even more.
Maybe one reason I can rejoice is that my little sister is so cute right now, sleeping across from me at 9:49 am in sunny San Jose.
"Through all of life there runs a ground note of cosmic disappointment.
When you finally realize this, there are four things you can do.
1. You came blame the things that are disappointing you and try to move on to better ones. That's the way of continued idolatry and spiritual addiction.
2. The second thing you can do is blame yourself and beat yourself and say, "I have somehow been a failure. I see everybody else is happy. I don't know why I am not happy. There is something wrong with me." That's the way of self-loathing and shame.
3. Third, you can blame the world. You can say, "Curses on the entire opposite sex" in which case you make yourself hard, cynical, empty.
4. Lastly, you can, as C.S. Lewis says at the end of his great chapter on hope, reorient the entire focus of your life toward God. He concludes, 'If I find in myself a desire, which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.' (something supernatural and eternal)"
I think I try about every option, everyday. I'm so good at blaming people. Just look at the past two months. Blaming myself. Blaming the guys...oh yes. And then in the end, somehow, I always come back to God. It's like there's no way I can resist this concept of grace even though it's so hard for me to understand.
Yesterday, a lot of things were difficult. I'm not going to lie. I don't cry very much in Berkeley, only in San Jose or on BART. It's not the tough girl to thing do. But yesterday, I sat in the kitchen doing my QTs and just started crying as I journaled.
"God has a perfect plan. He works out for good. Things come and go, but the Word of the Lord stands forever. I'm disappointed,God. I've spent so much of my time living for what I think is "eternal" in this thing called ministry and I see so many people who don't pour nearly as much of themselves into others...and they get by just fine. And here I am, struggling with a stupid crush, not doing my usual "ministry" anymore, and feeling so worthless.
Somehow, I guess You do have a plan. It's just hard to live for the unseen.
But the honest truth is,
I really have just so much to be thankful for."
Two hours after writing this, I get a D on my counterpoint assignment that took me SO LONG!!! Shit, a D! In my favorite class too, hella hard, but so enjoyable. And my awesome French professor just had to make announcements to the whole class too on how we did.
He told me that I make my chorales sound like workout music for the basses. Dood, I realize that the music that I compose is such a reflection of my own self. Busy, demanding, crazy...yeah, totally not in the style of Bach.
Too bad my personality just doesn't go well with Baroque music. Usually, his criticisms make me laugh and I really appreciate what I learn from my mistakes, but yesterday, it was really harsh.
Cosmic disappointment, yes.
But reason to rejoice?
Even more.
Maybe one reason I can rejoice is that my little sister is so cute right now, sleeping across from me at 9:49 am in sunny San Jose.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
My First Job Interview
This morning, I read II John. At first I focused in on verse 8 which says "Watch yourselves, so that you may not lose what we have worked for, but may win a full reward."
It's a great verse. Really.
But I noticed how I always overlook the beginning of these epistles and just skip to the "do this" section.
Verse 3 says: "Grace, mercy, and peace WILL be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ the Father's Son, in truth and love."
I totally missed this verse the first couple times I read through the short book this morning.
The way I read the Bible is very similar to the way I live my life. The things I see are: "Do this." and not "God WILL do this."
Here is an example.
Yesterday was my first job interview, ever. At least for post graduation.
The way you tell a story keys in on what you're focused on. Let's see if you can tell what I'm focused on.
Tuesday after class, I head to bart.
Stress factor #1: I'm sitting on the seats that face the side of bart near the door because those were the only ones open when I got on (the ones that are supposed to be vacated when elderly or disabled people come on bart).
At MacArthur Station, a group of 6 elderly people come on the train. And I start to get up to give them my seat but they start walking away in the other direction, so I just sit back down. But then while the elderly people were still walking in the other direction looking for seats, the bart started moving, and two of the old men FELL onto the ground!
GAAAHH My heart just broke :( And I felt soooo bad because if I just didn't sit in that seat in the first place two stops ago, they probably wouldn't have fallen. So that was event number one that made me kinda all shaken up before my interview. Man, I fail.
Stress factor #2: On the Bart, my major headaches start coming back. I didn't have advil, so once I got off the bart, I saw a Peet's in the station and bought a coffee because I was told that caffeine could help headaches. I had to take the T line on Muni to get to UCSF, but I didn't know they didn't allow drinks/food. Why would they put a Peet's right outside the entrance to Muni?!? So I tried to hide my coffee in my bag. Bad baaaad idea
My coffee spilled all over my bag. And then I had no paper towels or napkins and the coffee was dripping from somewhere in my bag that I couldn't identify (it was a big laptop bag) AAANNNND it was dripping in a place that shouldn't have any food or drink. Hahaha, I ALWAYS have spare napkins in my backpack, but I didn't have that bag with me yesterday. So while waiting for some muni thing I've never taken before in my life I was leaving a trail of dripping coffee ALL over the station because I was spazzing out and couldn't even stay put in one corner of the station. I had to walk to different spots. Evidence of my beverage crime was left EVERYWHERE!
Stress Factor #3: Coffee ruined my cute pencil case that my mom just brought from Taiwan. I hate it when things are stained, bleached, ruined, like my favorite workout pants...or pencil cases. It stresses me out.
Stress Factor #4: The rain. Windy too. Horrible weather for my hair. And I really didn't wanna show up at the interview with frizzy hair. My hair has caused much stress ever since I hit puberty and it decided to curl on my head. Plus, my mom just cut my hair really short last weekend even though I asked for a simple trim... so I couldn't put it completely up in a ponytail and had to keep half of it down.
Stress Factor #5: I sat in a cafe on the UCSF campus and in the cafe are a bunch of intellectual white young European guys who are all talking smart stuff. Definitely not Starbucks or Cafe Milano in Berkeley with hobos and Asian undergrads in sweatshirts. Ever since coming to Berkeley, I realized that incredibly good looking smart people stress me out too. During this time, I finally just sat there, and was like, "GOD. HELP. PLEEASE. THANKS."
Stress Factor #6: The woman I was to interview with, I googled her the night before, and I found out she graduated from Berk with MCB honorary graduate (there's only ONE chosen every year) and went to Harvard Med for her PhD. And her name is all over the science media. Yeah, I felt waaay small yesterday. Haha, well I guess my dad's right in saying, "Dude, it's okay. She's still human!"
Stress Factor #7: I go into a conference room with the post doc, She has a copy of my resume on a top of papers. She takes the resume off the top, and I see images of scientific data, and I just think, "shooot. I have to analyze data cold. GREAT I SUCK AT THIS!"
Good thing...
She didn't make my analyze anything on the spot. It was just part of her presentation.
Okay, end of story. This is all I saw yesterday from 2-5:30 pm.
Something's gotta change, eh?
My past roommate always told me, "Vicky, you're too hard on yourself."
I always ignored her. "No, I gotta be better!"
Maybe it's time to be less foolish.
Turning my eyes upon Jesus doesn't mean exerting more effort. It's finding that thing called joy when you see HIS
grace.
mercy.
peace.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
It's a great verse. Really.
But I noticed how I always overlook the beginning of these epistles and just skip to the "do this" section.
Verse 3 says: "Grace, mercy, and peace WILL be with us, from God the Father and from Jesus Christ the Father's Son, in truth and love."
I totally missed this verse the first couple times I read through the short book this morning.
The way I read the Bible is very similar to the way I live my life. The things I see are: "Do this." and not "God WILL do this."
Here is an example.
Yesterday was my first job interview, ever. At least for post graduation.
The way you tell a story keys in on what you're focused on. Let's see if you can tell what I'm focused on.
Tuesday after class, I head to bart.
Stress factor #1: I'm sitting on the seats that face the side of bart near the door because those were the only ones open when I got on (the ones that are supposed to be vacated when elderly or disabled people come on bart).
At MacArthur Station, a group of 6 elderly people come on the train. And I start to get up to give them my seat but they start walking away in the other direction, so I just sit back down. But then while the elderly people were still walking in the other direction looking for seats, the bart started moving, and two of the old men FELL onto the ground!
GAAAHH My heart just broke :( And I felt soooo bad because if I just didn't sit in that seat in the first place two stops ago, they probably wouldn't have fallen. So that was event number one that made me kinda all shaken up before my interview. Man, I fail.
Stress factor #2: On the Bart, my major headaches start coming back. I didn't have advil, so once I got off the bart, I saw a Peet's in the station and bought a coffee because I was told that caffeine could help headaches. I had to take the T line on Muni to get to UCSF, but I didn't know they didn't allow drinks/food. Why would they put a Peet's right outside the entrance to Muni?!? So I tried to hide my coffee in my bag. Bad baaaad idea
My coffee spilled all over my bag. And then I had no paper towels or napkins and the coffee was dripping from somewhere in my bag that I couldn't identify (it was a big laptop bag) AAANNNND it was dripping in a place that shouldn't have any food or drink. Hahaha, I ALWAYS have spare napkins in my backpack, but I didn't have that bag with me yesterday. So while waiting for some muni thing I've never taken before in my life I was leaving a trail of dripping coffee ALL over the station because I was spazzing out and couldn't even stay put in one corner of the station. I had to walk to different spots. Evidence of my beverage crime was left EVERYWHERE!
Stress Factor #3: Coffee ruined my cute pencil case that my mom just brought from Taiwan. I hate it when things are stained, bleached, ruined, like my favorite workout pants...or pencil cases. It stresses me out.
Stress Factor #4: The rain. Windy too. Horrible weather for my hair. And I really didn't wanna show up at the interview with frizzy hair. My hair has caused much stress ever since I hit puberty and it decided to curl on my head. Plus, my mom just cut my hair really short last weekend even though I asked for a simple trim... so I couldn't put it completely up in a ponytail and had to keep half of it down.
Stress Factor #5: I sat in a cafe on the UCSF campus and in the cafe are a bunch of intellectual white young European guys who are all talking smart stuff. Definitely not Starbucks or Cafe Milano in Berkeley with hobos and Asian undergrads in sweatshirts. Ever since coming to Berkeley, I realized that incredibly good looking smart people stress me out too. During this time, I finally just sat there, and was like, "GOD. HELP. PLEEASE. THANKS."
Stress Factor #6: The woman I was to interview with, I googled her the night before, and I found out she graduated from Berk with MCB honorary graduate (there's only ONE chosen every year) and went to Harvard Med for her PhD. And her name is all over the science media. Yeah, I felt waaay small yesterday. Haha, well I guess my dad's right in saying, "Dude, it's okay. She's still human!"
Stress Factor #7: I go into a conference room with the post doc, She has a copy of my resume on a top of papers. She takes the resume off the top, and I see images of scientific data, and I just think, "shooot. I have to analyze data cold. GREAT I SUCK AT THIS!"
Good thing...
She didn't make my analyze anything on the spot. It was just part of her presentation.
Okay, end of story. This is all I saw yesterday from 2-5:30 pm.
Something's gotta change, eh?
My past roommate always told me, "Vicky, you're too hard on yourself."
I always ignored her. "No, I gotta be better!"
Maybe it's time to be less foolish.
Turning my eyes upon Jesus doesn't mean exerting more effort. It's finding that thing called joy when you see HIS
grace.
mercy.
peace.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
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