Tim Keller wrote in Counterfeit Gods (which I HIGHLY recommend),
"Through all of life there runs a ground note of cosmic disappointment.
When you finally realize this, there are four things you can do.
1. You came blame the things that are disappointing you and try to move on to better ones. That's the way of continued idolatry and spiritual addiction.
2. The second thing you can do is blame yourself and beat yourself and say, "I have somehow been a failure. I see everybody else is happy. I don't know why I am not happy. There is something wrong with me." That's the way of self-loathing and shame.
3. Third, you can blame the world. You can say, "Curses on the entire opposite sex" in which case you make yourself hard, cynical, empty.
4. Lastly, you can, as C.S. Lewis says at the end of his great chapter on hope, reorient the entire focus of your life toward God. He concludes, 'If I find in myself a desire, which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world.' (something supernatural and eternal)"
I think I try about every option, everyday. I'm so good at blaming people. Just look at the past two months. Blaming myself. Blaming the guys...oh yes. And then in the end, somehow, I always come back to God. It's like there's no way I can resist this concept of grace even though it's so hard for me to understand.
Yesterday, a lot of things were difficult. I'm not going to lie. I don't cry very much in Berkeley, only in San Jose or on BART. It's not the tough girl to thing do. But yesterday, I sat in the kitchen doing my QTs and just started crying as I journaled.
"God has a perfect plan. He works out for good. Things come and go, but the Word of the Lord stands forever. I'm disappointed,God. I've spent so much of my time living for what I think is "eternal" in this thing called ministry and I see so many people who don't pour nearly as much of themselves into others...and they get by just fine. And here I am, struggling with a stupid crush, not doing my usual "ministry" anymore, and feeling so worthless.
Somehow, I guess You do have a plan. It's just hard to live for the unseen.
But the honest truth is,
I really have just so much to be thankful for."
Two hours after writing this, I get a D on my counterpoint assignment that took me SO LONG!!! Shit, a D! In my favorite class too, hella hard, but so enjoyable. And my awesome French professor just had to make announcements to the whole class too on how we did.
He told me that I make my chorales sound like workout music for the basses. Dood, I realize that the music that I compose is such a reflection of my own self. Busy, demanding, crazy...yeah, totally not in the style of Bach.
Too bad my personality just doesn't go well with Baroque music. Usually, his criticisms make me laugh and I really appreciate what I learn from my mistakes, but yesterday, it was really harsh.
Cosmic disappointment, yes.
But reason to rejoice?
Even more.
Maybe one reason I can rejoice is that my little sister is so cute right now, sleeping across from me at 9:49 am in sunny San Jose.
