2012

"That's why no one wants you."

These are probably the most dreaded words of a single girl in her mid-twenties. Or perhaps of anyone. My friends jokingly say it, the world subtly implies it, but it is something that dwells in my heart when my life is lived apart from the cross.

I've been friend-dumped dozens of times by now. The first time one of close girlfriends started dating, I did not react well. I hated the boyfriend and I was overly bitter. I now love them to death. This year, there were quite a few times that one of the girlfriends started dating or got married, and I was brushed aside.  The other day, I was friend-dumped for the first time by one of my close guy friends. I don't have many close guy friends, so that was...wow, strange.

Honestly, it hurts for a little while. But it's been okay, and it's part of life, and I am guilty of making every dude think I'm their bro, so it's no surprise I am where I am. The Lord is really, really good to me. Like I've already blogged so many times by now, these years in Berkeley have been humbling. It's always ironic to think back to age 18 and remember how I didn't expect to have any people problems.

Hahaha, VICTORIA -___-

I read today in Proverbs that "one's pride will bring him low," and it has. There are certain people in my life right now I'd rather not talk to, rather not love, rather not forgive, because it's hard to face my failures.

 I journaled this morning:

"I've screwed up so many relationships. Burned bridges, made so many people mad. The deeper the relationships, the worse it has become. 

I guess that's the power of the gospel.

He still wants me.

God, you see my heart. Me= Crap. There is nothing, NOTHING good in me apart from Christ. There is absolutely no point in living for myself."


I rejoice because today I am accepted in Christ. 2012 was a year of learning to accept His strength in my weakness. God is so generous to me. At a time when I thought I had lost everything and struggled deepest with loneliness, the Lord provided and sustained some of the richest friendships I have ever had. I started the year thinking He had taken so much, but He was preparing me for more.

2012 in a nutshell. Faces of grace in abundance.

It's been an amazing year.

The journey has just begun. CRAZY.

This is my God.

There's Only Grace

For those of you who don't know, I'm in the process of applying to medical school. I hesitated in sharing with people for awhile because it was embarrassing for me to admit it.

Honestly, I don't have the grades and MCAT scores to consider myself highly qualified. Applying to medical school has been completely different from my college application process. I went from total confidence at age 17 to complete doubt in myself at 25, but I wanted to put myself aside and apply, in obedience to God. I'm not sure why He has called me to follow this path, but it's been tough.

The first rejection was the hardest. I remember receiving the email and staring blankly at my inbox. I walked outside my work building, called my mom, and told her, "I don't know why I'm doing this." Immediately, I couldn't hide the pain anymore and my eyes flooded with tears.

A couple months later, more rejections have come. Each one feels like a slap in the face.

Slap.

Slap.

Slap, slap.

And it's not over. I applied to almost 20 schools, and have only heard back from half. 

Perhaps God called me to do this because he wanted me to let go of certain things. Perhaps if I never graduated salutatorian or had my face on the front page of the paper, I wouldn't have lived the past 7 years under the impression of "this is who I'm supposed to be." I never quite lived up to the standard that I set for myself.I grew up a large fish in a small pond. Showered with accolades and recognition, at the age of 18, my worth was defined by my accomplishments. Sometimes I wish I had never succeeded in high school. Perhaps these rejections wouldn't hurt as bad. 

Perhaps I will never know why I had to apply. March, April, May 2013 may come, and I will once again be confused about what to do with my life. But I trust. Whether I am rejected another dozen times or I actually start school again next year,

He is in control. On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground...is truly sinking sand.

I wasn't planning on posting anything specific about the medical school process until the results came out. I think it was really out of pride, and also fear of what people would think. Like I already said, it's a humiliating process.

However, this process is a part of the story that I believe God is writing. I went into this scared. I'm still pretty scared, even if I want to trust God. I bet Moses was scared even if He trusted God. Joshua too. I can't really explain why I'm scared. It's a win-win situation for me. If I get in, wow. If i don't get in, phew, I don't have to go through nightmarish nights of studying and 36-hr night shifts.

In faith, I will follow where the Lord leads.

Thanksgiving

The past couple months have been weird. Weird because I'm actually embracing the life the Lord has given me. The bumps have come, but the Lord has been with me. I am floored by His unwavering love to me.

Recently, one of the older sisters at church asked me to describe what life would ideally look like in a year, and also to describe the life situation I would fear the most. I must not be reading much these days, because it's really hard for me to write. The only word I can think of to describe everything is: weird.

The weird thing is that my ideal situation would be to continue living the exact life I have right now. 

And what's also weird is that this very life situation is what I would fear the most. 

Perhaps I have reached this stage of contentment because I treat this year as my last in Berkeley. Yet something I keep wondering is, what if it's not my last. What if God has planned for me to do this for another year? Another 5, 10, 50 years? Will I hate life in a year?

Last Thanksgiving, I was basically in the same situation, but miserable.

This year, I'm loving it. It is an added bonus that Berkeley has the best ice cream and coffee ever.

Next year, ???

Like the Israelites, like any human being seeking to follow the Lord, my heart will want to worship other things. It will desire love from broken cisterns and it will be discontent in the midst of the Lord's abundant grace. 

It's amazing that circumstances could actually be the same, but my heart could be in totally different places. 

It's also amazing that my devotion may not be steadfast, yet His love for me never changes. I am His child. 

Next year is in His hands. Today is also in His hands.

One day at a time. What an adventure.

This is my God. 

Ebenezer

“Hey, you guys plus Danny were the ones who moved me in last year. It’s like we were meant to be in the dorms together.”

Tammy’s remark made me pause for a moment. Holy cow, she’s right.

God is always doing a new thing. Yet I also find that He brings me back to a place where I will remember that He is worthy of my trust.

One year ago,

Will, Danny, Stanley and I moved Tammy into the dorms. It was the first day of outreach- I was terrified of stepping into college ministry again.

My uncle passed away unexpectedly, my dad had to rush back to Taiwan, leaving me to drive my sister down to SLO and move her into school.

On the third Wednesday of the semester, the weight upon my shoulders was so heavy that I just sobbed as I drove home.

I missed one Francis Chan conference in SF and got to go to another one in SJ.

One year later,

Tammy, the girl who I reached out to last year in the dorms is now the one loving the freshmen with Will, Stanley and me.

I drove my sister down to SLO again- she is like a different person from a year ago. God has worked in my family so much since my uncle's death.

On the third Wednesday of the semester, crap at work and the fall thrust in ministry was getting to me and I found myself wanting to run away. I asked my church family for prayer and a peace that surpasses understanding overtook my soul.

I missed Francis Chan in Berkeley but  I get to see him in SF. I love that Francis Chan is in the Bay Area. Hehe!

There are differences. I’m living with roommates, work has changed, seniors graduated and new students are coming into my life. I may not be in the Bay Area next year. I may be in the Bay Area for another ten years. The amazing thing is that as these things come and go, the Lord and His Word remains the same.

Here I raise my Ebenezer;

Hither by Thy help I've come.

This is my God.

Church

As the school year approaches and new year of ministry resumes, I ask that one of you guys send me the link to this letter when I forget that my God is sovereign and good. I'm going to forget.

I'm actually uber excited for the next year, but I'm sure the bumps will come. Such is life.

July 28, 2012

To my FAMILY in Christ:

Summary: Thank you for making my bday WOWmazing

If you want to keep reading, go for it. I tried to shorten it, but I'm having a diarrhea/cheetos vomit writing splurge (ask Moon for details) so it's rather long...

It is often said that family sees you at your best, and at your worst and that they just get you. I’m not sure if you’ve seen me at my best, but I know for sure you’ve seen me at my worst, and you know me pretty well. You are my family.

You guys know I reeeally like beer, boys, and coffee. You expect me to laugh at my own TERRIBLE jokes (they're not even jokes...just broken phrases that come out of my mouth), yet you still choose to watch me laugh instead of running away before my joke begins. And you know how I often kick and scream when it comes to obeying God and you’re probably familiar with the fact that I detest board games but I’m always playing a game of hide-and-seek with the church and the Spirit. But the Spirit keeps winning every now and then, popping into my heart and making me cry like a baby. That's why my red face keeps showing up randomly in your presence. Sorry :P

and YET, you still choose to love someone as broken as me.

From the bottom of my heart,

thank you.

Thank you for being the church. For exemplifying Christ to me. For choosing to love me when I haven’t loved you as I should. For patiently waiting for me to return when my heart is not devoted to serving and loving you in humility.

Sometimes I wonder if the Lord lets me fall away for a little while so that His amazing grace could just dig THAT much deeper into the flesh in me that needs to be flushed out. It's working pretty well, but slowly. He really knows what He's doing, but it's painful. No likey.

When Moon handed me the gift of birthday notes that you guys all put together, and as I received all your birthday gifts/blessings through the weeks/day,  I was absolutely shocked. As I was taking in your words of encouragement and acts of kindness, I was laughing and crying with “Jesus, why why whhhhyyy are you so good to me” joy. It was really unexpected.

The grace of my God. Always a surprise and so sooo undeserved.

Anyways, I pray that you continue to be the image, the hands and feet of CHRIST to sinners. To commit to loving them when they don’t deserve it, to wait patiently upon the Lord to deliver, to speak the truth in love, to continue giving generously even when if makes no sense, aaall because Christ first loved you!

Keep pointing to the Savior like you already do so well to sinners like me. Keep doing this because I was given the privilege to TASTE a little of how greatly God is using you and OH BABY IT'S AMAZING.

I love you guys. Kinda.

Just kidding. :)

I’m looking forward to running this race together to know our beautiful Jesus more and more.

I apologize for such a long email. But I am truly humbled and grateful.

My God is so good to me!

With a big virtual hug (and ONLY virtual),

Vicky

With

The journey of faith that God has led me on for the past two years has been interesting. I'm always unsure if I'm making up "God's will" or if the current steps of faith I'm taking are just my silly imagination. Yet after multiple quiet times, sermons, and odd moments where I think I've heard His still, small voice urge me on in one particular direction, I've decided it's time to walk again.

This past week I took quite a few steps forward, but man was it hard. I faced a lot of my deepest fears. I teared up more often. One beautiful thing: I finally prayed a lot too.

What if all this time, this money, this emotion that I'm investing into this just becomes major flop?

Friday night, I was at home working, and I went to sleep that night scared.

"Maybe I should turn back now."

Saturday morning, this came to me in the mail. All at once. From three different sources.

And the scary thing is, this "manna" in my life is one of the main reasons I haven't stopped. It always shows up when I need it most, and not because I asked. I suck as asking people for help; I guess He knows.

I don't know the end result, but with every major step I've taken, beer shows up, packages come, I hear perfect sermons at random churches, and God reminds me that He is with me. 

Perhaps everything will fail in the world's eyes, even in my eyes, but in God's eyes, I'm getting to know that



He. loves. me.


  
This is my God.

what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?  Ps 8:4

My coworker collected 25 beers from different nations for my 25th. How RAD is that?!

Dream Come True

I love my little sister.

Rad

What, therefore, is our task today? Should I answer "Faith, hope and love?" That sounds beautiful. But I would say-- courage. No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth. Our task today is recklessness. For what Christians lack is not psychology or literature... we lack a holy rage-- the recklessness which comes from the knowledge of God and humanity. The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets, and when the lie rages across the face of the earth... a holy anger about the things that are wrong in the world. To rage against the ravaging of God's earth and destruction of God's people. To rage when little children must die of hunger, while the tables of the rich are sagging with food. To rage at the senseless killing of so many. To rage against complacency. To restlessly seek the restlessness that will challenge and seek to change human history until it conforms to the norms of the kingdom of God." 

Father Kaj Munk




I post this not because this is the condition of my heart. I am so far from it...this lukewarmness and timidity is really grossing me out.

I post this because I need your help to keep me running.

Thanks.

Joy

A couple hours before two of my best friends got married, my QT passage happened to read:

"For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as a bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you."

Isaiah 62:5

(Isn't it crazy how God speaks?)

And there I sat in Starbucks, picturing David's beaming smile as gorgeous Wendy walked down the aisle, and thought, "Dang, this is my God."

As corny as it sounds, the image made me cry. That day, two of my best friends were going to demonstrate a lil' glimpse of how GOD ALMIGHTY! rejoices over us. Beautiful.

Congratulations, David and Wendy. I am sooo happy for you! :)

Kids, in the summer of 2012

Your Aunt Robin joined the Avengers

and no one could take her seriously.

Reputation

I love days when my inbox makes me laugh. Thank you, ICA class of 2012.

Email #1:

Subject: Fwd: Lebron James

found out that he didn't smile the entire game yesterday.

when he was walked out some boston fan (maybe vicky's relative) threw beer on him...and he just smirked.

i love him.

FYI: Vicky's relatives do not waste beer. Esp on Lebron. 

Email #2:

Subject: lol

hahahha

random but reminded me of you.

Yup, THIS is the result of many hours of college ministry.

It's freeing to know that we're meant to live for a NAME much glorious than our own. 

A Time For Everything

Farewell to living alone. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to have my own place again, but it was good. Lots of hangouts, lots of books, lots of laughs and lots of tears. And lots of beers.

House Warming

House Cooling

Farewell to...

An amazing backyard, the Emeryville Marina

The best marathon training grounds I could ask for.

Honestly, in view of eternity, there's really not much I'm saying good-bye to. I guess I'll have to give up the comforts of having a perfectly clean and sunny apartment. I said farewell to a notoriously lame commute to work. And living alone was EASY, especially because I loved doing things alone. I seriously forgot that I was a sinner about 25% of the time.

Yet I'm actually saying hello to a lot of blessing that I didn't have for two years. Roommates to talk to, roommates to play pranks on, roommates to drink beer with, roommates to remind me that love is patient and kind. Runs with a lot of hills and varying views. 10 extra minutes to blast music in my car on my way to work. A chance to get good at parking in tiny spots...pray for me. --" And honestly, I'm still living in quite luxurious conditions.

My God is the same wherever I am. His crazy love is with me wherever I go.

A new beginning. A chance to see God work in new ways.

It'll be good.

Once a Freshman

Always A Freshman

Maybe Redemption Has Stories To Tell

“Thanks so much for helping me with this, Moon.”

“Ha- you’re welcome. Did you expect your life after graduation to be like this?”

 “….um…”

I was pulling out of Costco when this question was asked.


I had asked Moon to help with the grocery run for the end-of-year banquet, but the poor girl ended up having to deal with my indecisiveness as well.We had just been frantically changing the menu for the past two hours, which meant that our shopping cart had been refilled and emptied again and again. 


Lasagna? Tacos? No. Lasagna. And salad? Wait, maybe we'll go Asian? Baked salmon? No. Lasagna. Or...pasta? Two different pastas?

Eesh. Cooking for groups of people greater than 7...not my thing.

Though my reply to Moon's question was a quiet “um” and slight chuckle, did I expect my life after graduation to be like this?

HEEEEEEEEEELL NO.

Two days after the Costco run, I called my 18-year old sister, in tears.

“I can’t do this, Mei. Pray for me. I. am. soooo. stressed.”

I wished I was capable of putting a banquet menu as elaborate as the schedule on my personal plate, but I had to learn to say "no" and make compromises. Banquet was only one of the 15 other things I had to take care of before the end of May. How did I end up here?


Honestly, I don't know.


ICA (In Christ Alone) is the college fellowship/church I've been part of since age 18 in 2005. I loved it as a freshman, and as sophomore too. But then I started having this love-hate thing with it as the honeymoon stage passed and I realized that ministry was not all California sunshine and Justin Bieber.


Exerpts from QT journal (simplified summary...story is much more complicated)


Shortly after graduating from Cal:


June 11, 2010

"As far as I know, my days in ICA are pretty much over. I love the people, I've learned a lot through the eperience, and I'm thankful for it. But I just feel like I'm ready to move on. Lord, make my paths straight as I acknowledge You in all things."

1.5 years after leaving...


April 2, 2011

"Is ICA where I should commit? I just hate the idea of "feeding" your lambs... if it's where you want me, I will follow. I hope...they'll take me back."

A couple months after getting plugged back in...


August 2, 2011

"Danny and Akemi asked me to pray about my invovlement with ICA next year. And much of me just wants to stay away. It pains me too much to get involved."

A couple weeks later...

August 20, 2011

"Today is a full day of freshman outreach. Two years ago, it was way harder than I expected. I thought people would just come to me and I could proudly take credit for being good at ministry. But You loved me better than that. This year, I'm nervous. It's Yours, God. You can choose to work in all different ways, yet You always do what what is good. So in you I hope and trust."

August 21, 2011

"Today's burdens to cast onto Jesus: feeling attacked and tired, anxious about working with certain people. Scared of "wasted" efforts. Scared of God making me marry a full-time minister. Hahaha. It's going to be hard, but Your grace is enough."

One month into college ministry...


September 15, 2011

"Yesterday, while driving home, I cried. God, it's the middle of September. ONLY the middle of September, and I'm already spent. Bitter, Lonely. It sucks to be a leader. Totally feel like I've been thrown out into an ocean to drown. For 24 years, I have HATED learning this lesson, this lesson that You are all that I need. Do you really understand my lonliness, God?!"

And for the next nine months, everything sort of felt like a blur. I was so busy. I probably had one night a week that wasn't "ministry" related, but my life was basically work + freshmen.


As the end of the year approached...


May 2, 2012

"I am sooo stressed, angry, lonely. Yesterday I was already stressed over banquet and then I felt so under appreciated. Work definitely has not been a breeze. WHAT AM I DOING?! FEEDING YOUR SHEEP!? Are you really a good Shepherd? Am I making up all this Jesus loves me stuff?"

I started reading the QT passages of the day with this angry attitude, and just as I started grumbling over how Psalm 95 wasn't speaking to me, God spoke:

"For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture. Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day at Massah in the wilderness."

And then in Revelation...

"For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their Shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Revelation 7:17

I'm pretty sure I just wept after reading this.

If the church people were a preschool class sitting on a rug during story time and Jesus was the teacher reading story to the kids, I'd be that one kid who sneak out the back of the classroom and sprint down the hallway to jump in the mud and get stung by bees. And then I'd scoff at the rest of the kids as I miserably ate dirt and swelled in pain.


I'm not sure why, I just love running away. Running away from masses of Christian people doing "Christian" activities. Gah, give me a beer. --"


This year, I tried so many times to run away. I would run to my parents in SJ. I would drive down to SLO to see my sister. I would head over the the city to hangout with my high school buddy whenever I could. Before Winter Conference this year, I even almost drove back to NorCal alone after driving down 10 hrs down to San Diego.


And the crazy thing: Jesus would let the the good kids entertain themselves for a lil' bit on the carpet while he searched me out to lead me back to story time.

He'd tell me that there was a great story in the making, and He wanted me to hear the rest.


And it was a pretty great story. I make it sound like I hate ministry, but I think I passionately hate it because I deeply love it too.The good things in life are often the riskiest.


5 new kids accepted Christ and started to walk with Jesus.
An ESTJ (me) and a INFP (Moon) had a relationship that worked because Jesus had first forgiven us.
People experienced freedom from bitterness and pursued reconciliation.
Answered prayers. Soo many of them.
Tons of laughter. My favorite giggle moment: hearing the brothers giggle over pillow talk at 1am during a retreat at my parents' house.
Hanging out with dudes who could limbo and rip phone books...
Plenty of tears: good tears.
Weekly testimonies shared of God's Work in each individual's life.
Watching certain individuals blossom in the ways they loved the people like Jesus would.
Heart to Heart (aka "girl chat") replaced board games (kind of). BOO YEA.


And the list goes on.


I recently had a conversation with my mom about the concept of glory. About how oftentimes as we walk with Jesus, glory seems like such an abstract concept. Yet when we look back, His glory undeniably abounds.


Honestly, like I said, I don't know how I ended up here back in college ministry. It's been quite a journey. I don't know why Jesus left the good kids and still chased after me so that I could see His glory reign in my weaknesses. But He pursued me relentlessly, and as I kicked and screamed, He waited for me to listen and gently led me back. 


He didn't have to exert extra effort on this difficult angry girl named Vicky, but He gave her everything anyways. He died for me-- not my obedient, submissive, sweet self but for my rebellion and sin.


Whoa? 


This is my God.




 

"But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:16

With

Modern day manna, Vicky style. It just keeps showing up in the midst of the unknown.

And each time it comes, He says to me again, "I am with you."

Imagine God sending manna and quail to the Israelites through an ecard. Ahahah.


Deuteronomy 8. My fav.

8 Be careful to follow every command I am giving you today, so that you may live and increase and may enter and possess the land the Lord promised on oath to your ancestors. ² Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. ³ He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. ⁴ Your clothes did not wear out and your feet did not swell during these forty years. ⁵ Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you.


¹⁵ He led you through the vast and dreadful wilderness, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions. He brought you water out of hard rock. ¹⁶ He gave you manna to eat in the wilderness, something your ancestors had never known, to humble and test you so that in the end it might go well with you. ¹⁷ You may say to yourself, “My power and the strength of my handshave produced this wealth for me.” ¹⁸ But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth, and so confirms his covenant, which he swore to your ancestors, as it is today.

I am called to love deeply because He first loved me incredibly.

The crazy thing is I'm more than blessed. I'm forgiven.

This is my God.

Train of Thought

While meditating on Revelation 13 this morning...

and by the signs that it is allowed to work in the presence of the beast, it deceives those who dwell on earth, telling them to make an image for the beast that was wounded by the sword and yet lived.


make image

idolatry

fake image

virtual image

...

*HUGE frown on face*

Of all things that could pop up as I reflected on God's hatred of idolatry...

My heart was so at unease after this that I just got up and went to work. QT to resume later.

Stupid physics.

Never Alone

Click

It's usually easier for me to do things alone. I've always thought church would be nice at Starbucks, just me and my iPod, and it was. I could choose what band sang my favorite songs at what tempo with how many repetitions of the chorus, Francis Chan or Tim Keller would speak, and the best part: no greet one another time. Ohh yeea. Not very messy at all.

But Jesus prayed for unity in the body for a reason.

He's praying for us. How crazy is that?

Perhaps people don't make life easier. They definitely don't make life predictable.

But they make us more like Christ after they drive you crazy. And it's pretty cool to see others transform too...after I drive them crazy. Nevertheless, I'm always wondering if I'm in the right place in the midst of crazy.

Life is a Marathon

And He just knows when we need a lil' fuel and a gentle push. Rest stops come in surprising ways, for His mercies are new every morning.

It's amazing that God places people in our lives who know us so well, because He knows us even better.

This is my God.

Sometimes You Just Need Cheese

Here I'd like to let you know that I'm very proud of you, and fortunate to have you as my older daughter. You've set up a good example and model to your sister. You should feel good about what you have achieved too. I believe your mom should feel the same way too. So give yourself a HIGH FIVE. Great job and well done, my daughter! Talk to you later.


Blessings,

Dad

This was an an excerpt from an e-mail my dad sent me a couple weeks back.

My thoughts when reading...

"HIGH FIVE?! What are you, white?!?"

My parents are Taiwanese. This was weeeird.

It came to me unexpectedly, yet as cheesy as it sounded, it made me cry...at work. 

The timing was perfect because I was caught so off-guard. The e-mail didn't come after I had accomplished some huge thing, but when I was pretty burnt out and wondering if God was with me, if loving people was really what I was called to do.


It was when I least expected His grace that it flooded into my life. 

This is my God.


...I don't know how to turn off this white highlight. 

Eclipsed by Glory

The world behind me, the cross before me.


I used to hear this hymn and mope over how taking up the cross was such a sacrifice.


But sometimes,


once in awhile,


 when the cross is really before me...


If grace in an ocean, I'm totally sinking.


Incredible how the direction of your gaze makes all the difference.


This is my God.

Prone to Grumble

"Compare this week in your spiritual life with the same week last year to see how God has called you to a higher level. We have all been brought to see from a higher viewpoint. Never allow God to show you a truth which you do not instantly begin to live up to, applying it to your life. Always work through it, staying in its light."


My Utmost for His Highest, March 27


About a year ago, I came back to ICA. About one year ago, I wrote:


I don’t know how to describe the experience of coming back. It has made me feel wicked small…that’s the least I can say.

Why? Because I left this church for really selfish and sinful reasons. My surface-level b.s. answer was that I wanted to find a church with single working sisters, people like me, in my stage of life.

But, deep, deep, oh deep down, down in my heart, it came down to this: I believed I needed a better church. A church that had a bigger congregation of committed people, perfect ones. A church that had a more “successful” ministry. A church that wasn’t made up of a bunch of weirdos…(Weirdos, you know who you are. I love you guys dearly, but you are so, sooo weird.)

I thought I deserved better. Ministry was easy for me, following God was easy, doing my quiet times was easy. It didn’t make sense to me that it wasn’t “easy” for everyone else. Obviously, I was in the wrong place…right?


1 year later...

1. The ministry is thriving. The Spirit is breathing new life into the body.
2. I serve with a team of some of the most committed and humble people I've ever worked with.
3. If you want to witness pure devotion to Christ, meet the freshman I disciple now. Her childlike faith spurs on my own.
4. My Chinese parents have been stunningly supportive. It's amazing to see Jesus transform my parents' hearts. 
5. The sister I serve with is someone who deeply desires to know Christ and the power of the gospel. She's what I love about Christians when I actually love them. I usually hate them.

AAAAAALLL this and more! AND YET


Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble


I've had these intense tirades with God for the past couple months about how I don't want to be here anymore. He guides me towards the next step of obedience, He shows me the next step in the journey of knowing Him, He answers my prayers and fulfills my desires and needs...


My reply: "I hate this. Can I quit now?"


I seriously deserve to be kicked in the ass. Dude, my God is patient.


Instead of kicking my ass, He silences me...at the cross.


Godliness with contentment is great gain. But circumstances never dictate contentment. Christ does.

Superpowers

DUDE

I handed a post-it with some info on it to my coworker.

We heard this huge ZAP when my finger came in contact with hers.

That shock ended up going from my hand to her left hand into her right hand which was on her computer mouse and it KILLED HER MOUSE. The red light under the mouse disappeared, the computer couldn't detect any signals anymore, and HR had to replace her mouse.

I KILLED A MOUSE WITH MY FINGER.

...for those of you who know what I do for work...AHAHHAHAHahahahhaAHAHa. What irony.

Next time you give me a hard time for hating physical touch, remember I'm just trying to spare you from dying young.

Life is funny.

Time Flies

Time flies. A lot of things change. My wardrobe does not. Ahahhaaha (The jacket was only intentional in 2012)

Happy Birthday, Ashley! <3

Midnight. March 13, 2009. 19 years old.

Midnight. March 13, 2010 20 years old.

Midnight. March 13, 2011. 21 years old.

 
Midnight. March 13, 2012. 22 years old.

My job is done! I don't have to love you anymore!!!

Just kidding :)

Who would've known my two weeks in Cal Band my senior year would lead to this? I've stayed up more times until midnight on March 13 than January 1.

I should just quit everything in life after two weeks. Ha.

Perhaps God has us spend time with others so that seeing His hand at work in another's life will help us trust Him with our own.

You are amazing, God.

This Is My God

"There's a resurrection at the opposite end of everything God brings you into."

-Tim Keller

Two ways. Life or death. The path of obedience often seems like a highway to death.

But!!!

Oh the glorious BUT.

The Joys of being Jie

I'm terrible at asking people for help. My sister is the exception.

Rest

January 16, 2012

My drive back up from San Diego:

Majestic rays protruding from the clouds as the fog clears.
The grand Pacific ocean on my left.
My view from the rear view mirror: Jack and Steven with mouths agaped, fast asleep. So cute.
To my right: Tammy in shotgun curled up in the corner, also fast asleep. Sooo cute.
Singing along with my favorite worship songs while zooming along a traffic-less freeway...for another 10 hours.

All this after an intense weekend of none but Jesus.

It's rare for me to have moments like this. Moments when my heart sings, "This is the way life should be."

Just three days prior, I started listening the David Crowder's final album. As Crowder sang "Oh great God, give us rest," my eyes watered. Oh, how I thirsted for it it. Not physical sleep, but the peace that surpasses all understanding. All I was feeling was the torment that comes in an overthinking prayerless life.

It was comforting to see the college kids sleeping, at rest. My coworkers love watching their kids sleep. I looove watching my sister sleep, and sitting on her when she's sleeping.

In the same way, I bet God loves to see us at rest.

I get tired trying to impress. Trying to earn my worth. It's exhausting to be someone I'm not. For the majority of my life, I've been trying to meet a made-up standard for myself that I cannot attain. And to make it worse, I hide my insecurities behind a busy schedule. I have this aptitude for falling into a pit called of the "pride of busy-ness."

Yet the truth of the gospel is that rest only comes in the forgiveness of Christ on the cross. Rest comes in the acceptance offered by grace at your worst. Rest is believing so deep within your heart that the standard is met only in His perfect righteousness. And in Him, I am perfect. Rest is Truth, and the freedom that comes with it. It's a beautiful humble confidence.

This is my God.

:)

Wanna see something else that's almost as cute as sleeping college students?

Click. Heheeheheee.

Crazy Love

Sometimes I watch parents interact with their crying bratty little kids and it is so hard for me to believe that God would really choose to adopt whiny broken "adults" like me as His own...by giving up His perfect Son. Doesn't make sense.

But neither does faith. Christ is an absolute mystery.

It didn't hit me until today that the greatest act of faith is to believe that God loves me perfectly because of Jesus. The greatest act of faith is not going to medical school. It's not mustering up the guts to share the gospel with my coworker. Nor moving in with roommates again.

This explains a lot of why I am the way I am.

I have little faith. My heart will continue to be restless until it rests in Jesus.

Matthew 11:28-30

City Girl Swag with a Country Girl Smile

http://childrenwithswag.tumblr.com/

My secret goal in life. So many kids ahead of me, man.

Abba

About two months ago I was driving back from church with my dad, and out of nowhere, he said, “It’s natural to have kids. You know, it’s part of life. You learn a lot, being a parent. A lot about how God loves us.”

I chuckled and replied with an “okay." And then it was awkwardly quiet. Story of my life...

Yet those words never left my musings. I am far from being a parent, but if I weren’t so slow in the brain, I think I would’ve replied to my dad that I’ve also learned so much about how God loves in simply being my parents’ daughter. It’s just taken me two months to think of a response.

Actually...even if I thought of that response, I wouldn't say it, because then I'd start getting all emotional and teary. Hahaha.

I recently went on crazy long hike to the top of Yosemite falls with my parents. As adventurous and outdoorsy as my dad is, he totally flipped out when I tried to get close to the ledge of the highest waterfall in North America for the sake of getting a super cool picture. If my mom had seen me try to take that picture, she probably would’ve fainted, but she was too tired to even watch me be stupid.

I can tell my parents sometimes still see me as the baby whose butt they wiped in ‘87. For me to do something idiotic like try to take a picture that could cause my physical death naturally made my dad die a little on the inside. The image of an infant falling off a cliff probably flashed through his mind as I inched toward the waterfall.

The weird thing is that my dad’s cry of panic, although painful on his part, made me feel incredibly loved.

My dad didn’t call to me so that I could stay alive and obey him more. He called because he wanted his kid to be safe, to enjoy another meal, to experience another year of knowing Jesus Christ. As I've grown "older," my reason for a lot of what I do or don't do is because "my parents love me too much."

As I’ve grown to believe that my parents love me, it has made me want to love and honor them all the more. It’s their deep love for me as parents that compels my response as a daughter.

That's why I said that I've learned a lot about God's love for me through being a daughter of two imperfect, but amazing parents. There’s a reason why it says in the Bible that we love because He first loved us. True love naturally compels. We learn to obey because "He loves me too much."

Knowing how stubbornly I’ve run away from God’s ways for me in the past, I’m pretty sure His heart broke as He watched me hurt myself. So often I stand on the ledge not in faith, but in sin. As I whole-heartedly sought love in things that would not satisfy, He still wanted to rescue me.

And the crazy thing is in those times of my steepest dangers, He cried to me. Just like my dad yelled at me out of deep concern the top of Yosemite Falls, my God has called out to me again. And again. And again. So that I may have life, and life to the full.

There's the fear that is cast out by perfect love. And then there's the perfect love that instills this fearful awe.

In recent years, I’ve been realizing more and more that most of my friends actually come from broken families in one way or another. I am incredibly blessed to have parents who love Jesus, but I know it's a rare blessing, and also one that in some ways demands great stewardship. Our relationship hasn't been perfect, but it's definitely been good.

The cry for a father-figure often sounds louder than any other pain. I remember reading a book by Piper that described how the level of desperation to which a girl seeks for a man’s (or even a woman's) love is inversely related to the depth of her relationship with her dad. (That's also the only thing I remember from that ENTIRE Piper book. LOL) Nevertheless, that statement really changed the way I tried to love those around me, especially the girls I spend time with.

It’s comforting to know that Jesus’ relationship with God was primarily son-father. His deepest treasure was His relationship with His Father, and Jesus was so, sooo sure of His Father's love for Him.

Our relationship with God through Jesus Christ offers exactly what our souls were first created to thirst for. The love we can have in Christ is always relevant. Everyone wants a daddy.

We are loved more than we can comprehend. (Ephesians 3:19)

So much more...but man, does it take faith to believe it sometimes.

Intrinsic Beauty

Oh my glorious. Sunrise 12/19/2012 along the 152. San Luis Reservoir.

Taste and See

God loves me?!

Today's reading from My Utmost for His Highest talked about looking for God in the commonplace things. It's kinda hard to do that when God lets me eat non-mundanely like this.


Homemade lamb rack w/blackberry sauce. I told one of my best friend's bf that he had to bribe me for my approval of their relationship through food. He won my approval, I won really good food.


Nutella Donut + Coffee. Close tie to Dunkin'. That's saying a lot.


Banana Creme Pie Cupcake from Cupkates. I mmmMMmmMMMmmmmoaned really loud at my desk when I ate the first bite.

Dude, just imagine the eternal banquet He has in store for us. I think what made these foods so good is how creatively they were made. If Jesus is the ultimate Creator... SICK!!! (good sick) Keep inviting :D