Prone to Grumble

"Compare this week in your spiritual life with the same week last year to see how God has called you to a higher level. We have all been brought to see from a higher viewpoint. Never allow God to show you a truth which you do not instantly begin to live up to, applying it to your life. Always work through it, staying in its light."


My Utmost for His Highest, March 27


About a year ago, I came back to ICA. About one year ago, I wrote:


I don’t know how to describe the experience of coming back. It has made me feel wicked small…that’s the least I can say.

Why? Because I left this church for really selfish and sinful reasons. My surface-level b.s. answer was that I wanted to find a church with single working sisters, people like me, in my stage of life.

But, deep, deep, oh deep down, down in my heart, it came down to this: I believed I needed a better church. A church that had a bigger congregation of committed people, perfect ones. A church that had a more “successful” ministry. A church that wasn’t made up of a bunch of weirdos…(Weirdos, you know who you are. I love you guys dearly, but you are so, sooo weird.)

I thought I deserved better. Ministry was easy for me, following God was easy, doing my quiet times was easy. It didn’t make sense to me that it wasn’t “easy” for everyone else. Obviously, I was in the wrong place…right?


1 year later...

1. The ministry is thriving. The Spirit is breathing new life into the body.
2. I serve with a team of some of the most committed and humble people I've ever worked with.
3. If you want to witness pure devotion to Christ, meet the freshman I disciple now. Her childlike faith spurs on my own.
4. My Chinese parents have been stunningly supportive. It's amazing to see Jesus transform my parents' hearts. 
5. The sister I serve with is someone who deeply desires to know Christ and the power of the gospel. She's what I love about Christians when I actually love them. I usually hate them.

AAAAAALLL this and more! AND YET


Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble Grumble


I've had these intense tirades with God for the past couple months about how I don't want to be here anymore. He guides me towards the next step of obedience, He shows me the next step in the journey of knowing Him, He answers my prayers and fulfills my desires and needs...


My reply: "I hate this. Can I quit now?"


I seriously deserve to be kicked in the ass. Dude, my God is patient.


Instead of kicking my ass, He silences me...at the cross.


Godliness with contentment is great gain. But circumstances never dictate contentment. Christ does.