Maybe Redemption Has Stories To Tell

“Thanks so much for helping me with this, Moon.”

“Ha- you’re welcome. Did you expect your life after graduation to be like this?”

 “….um…”

I was pulling out of Costco when this question was asked.


I had asked Moon to help with the grocery run for the end-of-year banquet, but the poor girl ended up having to deal with my indecisiveness as well.We had just been frantically changing the menu for the past two hours, which meant that our shopping cart had been refilled and emptied again and again. 


Lasagna? Tacos? No. Lasagna. And salad? Wait, maybe we'll go Asian? Baked salmon? No. Lasagna. Or...pasta? Two different pastas?

Eesh. Cooking for groups of people greater than 7...not my thing.

Though my reply to Moon's question was a quiet “um” and slight chuckle, did I expect my life after graduation to be like this?

HEEEEEEEEEELL NO.

Two days after the Costco run, I called my 18-year old sister, in tears.

“I can’t do this, Mei. Pray for me. I. am. soooo. stressed.”

I wished I was capable of putting a banquet menu as elaborate as the schedule on my personal plate, but I had to learn to say "no" and make compromises. Banquet was only one of the 15 other things I had to take care of before the end of May. How did I end up here?


Honestly, I don't know.


ICA (In Christ Alone) is the college fellowship/church I've been part of since age 18 in 2005. I loved it as a freshman, and as sophomore too. But then I started having this love-hate thing with it as the honeymoon stage passed and I realized that ministry was not all California sunshine and Justin Bieber.


Exerpts from QT journal (simplified summary...story is much more complicated)


Shortly after graduating from Cal:


June 11, 2010

"As far as I know, my days in ICA are pretty much over. I love the people, I've learned a lot through the eperience, and I'm thankful for it. But I just feel like I'm ready to move on. Lord, make my paths straight as I acknowledge You in all things."

1.5 years after leaving...


April 2, 2011

"Is ICA where I should commit? I just hate the idea of "feeding" your lambs... if it's where you want me, I will follow. I hope...they'll take me back."

A couple months after getting plugged back in...


August 2, 2011

"Danny and Akemi asked me to pray about my invovlement with ICA next year. And much of me just wants to stay away. It pains me too much to get involved."

A couple weeks later...

August 20, 2011

"Today is a full day of freshman outreach. Two years ago, it was way harder than I expected. I thought people would just come to me and I could proudly take credit for being good at ministry. But You loved me better than that. This year, I'm nervous. It's Yours, God. You can choose to work in all different ways, yet You always do what what is good. So in you I hope and trust."

August 21, 2011

"Today's burdens to cast onto Jesus: feeling attacked and tired, anxious about working with certain people. Scared of "wasted" efforts. Scared of God making me marry a full-time minister. Hahaha. It's going to be hard, but Your grace is enough."

One month into college ministry...


September 15, 2011

"Yesterday, while driving home, I cried. God, it's the middle of September. ONLY the middle of September, and I'm already spent. Bitter, Lonely. It sucks to be a leader. Totally feel like I've been thrown out into an ocean to drown. For 24 years, I have HATED learning this lesson, this lesson that You are all that I need. Do you really understand my lonliness, God?!"

And for the next nine months, everything sort of felt like a blur. I was so busy. I probably had one night a week that wasn't "ministry" related, but my life was basically work + freshmen.


As the end of the year approached...


May 2, 2012

"I am sooo stressed, angry, lonely. Yesterday I was already stressed over banquet and then I felt so under appreciated. Work definitely has not been a breeze. WHAT AM I DOING?! FEEDING YOUR SHEEP!? Are you really a good Shepherd? Am I making up all this Jesus loves me stuff?"

I started reading the QT passages of the day with this angry attitude, and just as I started grumbling over how Psalm 95 wasn't speaking to me, God spoke:

"For He is our God, and we are the people of His pasture. Today if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day at Massah in the wilderness."

And then in Revelation...

"For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their Shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Revelation 7:17

I'm pretty sure I just wept after reading this.

If the church people were a preschool class sitting on a rug during story time and Jesus was the teacher reading story to the kids, I'd be that one kid who sneak out the back of the classroom and sprint down the hallway to jump in the mud and get stung by bees. And then I'd scoff at the rest of the kids as I miserably ate dirt and swelled in pain.


I'm not sure why, I just love running away. Running away from masses of Christian people doing "Christian" activities. Gah, give me a beer. --"


This year, I tried so many times to run away. I would run to my parents in SJ. I would drive down to SLO to see my sister. I would head over the the city to hangout with my high school buddy whenever I could. Before Winter Conference this year, I even almost drove back to NorCal alone after driving down 10 hrs down to San Diego.


And the crazy thing: Jesus would let the the good kids entertain themselves for a lil' bit on the carpet while he searched me out to lead me back to story time.

He'd tell me that there was a great story in the making, and He wanted me to hear the rest.


And it was a pretty great story. I make it sound like I hate ministry, but I think I passionately hate it because I deeply love it too.The good things in life are often the riskiest.


5 new kids accepted Christ and started to walk with Jesus.
An ESTJ (me) and a INFP (Moon) had a relationship that worked because Jesus had first forgiven us.
People experienced freedom from bitterness and pursued reconciliation.
Answered prayers. Soo many of them.
Tons of laughter. My favorite giggle moment: hearing the brothers giggle over pillow talk at 1am during a retreat at my parents' house.
Hanging out with dudes who could limbo and rip phone books...
Plenty of tears: good tears.
Weekly testimonies shared of God's Work in each individual's life.
Watching certain individuals blossom in the ways they loved the people like Jesus would.
Heart to Heart (aka "girl chat") replaced board games (kind of). BOO YEA.


And the list goes on.


I recently had a conversation with my mom about the concept of glory. About how oftentimes as we walk with Jesus, glory seems like such an abstract concept. Yet when we look back, His glory undeniably abounds.


Honestly, like I said, I don't know how I ended up here back in college ministry. It's been quite a journey. I don't know why Jesus left the good kids and still chased after me so that I could see His glory reign in my weaknesses. But He pursued me relentlessly, and as I kicked and screamed, He waited for me to listen and gently led me back. 


He didn't have to exert extra effort on this difficult angry girl named Vicky, but He gave her everything anyways. He died for me-- not my obedient, submissive, sweet self but for my rebellion and sin.


Whoa? 


This is my God.




 

"But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display His perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:16