"That's why no one wants you."
These are probably the most dreaded words of a single girl in her mid-twenties. Or perhaps of anyone. My friends jokingly say it, the world subtly implies it, but it is something that dwells in my heart when my life is lived apart from the cross.
I've been friend-dumped dozens of times by now. The first time one of close girlfriends started dating, I did not react well. I hated the boyfriend and I was overly bitter. I now love them to death. This year, there were quite a few times that one of the girlfriends started dating or got married, and I was brushed aside. The other day, I was friend-dumped for the first time by one of my close guy friends. I don't have many close guy friends, so that was...wow, strange.
Honestly, it hurts for a little while. But it's been okay, and it's part of life, and I am guilty of making every dude think I'm their bro, so it's no surprise I am where I am. The Lord is really, really good to me. Like I've already blogged so many times by now, these years in Berkeley have been humbling. It's always ironic to think back to age 18 and remember how I didn't expect to have any people problems.
Hahaha, VICTORIA -___-
I read today in Proverbs that "one's pride will bring him low," and it has. There are certain people in my life right now I'd rather not talk to, rather not love, rather not forgive, because it's hard to face my failures.
I journaled this morning:
"I've screwed up so many relationships. Burned bridges, made so many people mad. The deeper the relationships, the worse it has become.
I guess that's the power of the gospel.
He still wants me.
God, you see my heart. Me= Crap. There is nothing, NOTHING good in me apart from Christ. There is absolutely no point in living for myself."
I rejoice because today I am accepted in Christ. 2012 was a year of learning to accept His strength in my weakness. God is so generous to me. At a time when I thought I had lost everything and struggled deepest with loneliness, the Lord provided and sustained some of the richest friendships I have ever had. I started the year thinking He had taken so much, but He was preparing me for more.
2012 in a nutshell. Faces of grace in abundance.
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It's been an amazing year.
The journey has just begun. CRAZY.
This is my God.
