Honestly, I don't have the grades and MCAT scores to consider myself highly qualified. Applying to medical school has been completely different from my college application process. I went from total confidence at age 17 to complete doubt in myself at 25, but I wanted to put myself aside and apply, in obedience to God. I'm not sure why He has called me to follow this path, but it's been tough.
The first rejection was the hardest. I remember receiving the email and staring blankly at my inbox. I walked outside my work building, called my mom, and told her, "I don't know why I'm doing this." Immediately, I couldn't hide the pain anymore and my eyes flooded with tears.
A couple months later, more rejections have come. Each one feels like a slap in the face.
Slap.
Slap.
Slap, slap.
And it's not over. I applied to almost 20 schools, and have only heard back from half.
Perhaps God called me to do this because he wanted me to let go of certain things. Perhaps if I never graduated salutatorian or had my face on the front page of the paper, I wouldn't have lived the past 7 years under the impression of "this is who I'm supposed to be." I never quite lived up to the standard that I set for myself.I grew up a large fish in a small pond. Showered with accolades and recognition, at the age of 18, my worth was defined by my accomplishments. Sometimes I wish I had never succeeded in high school. Perhaps these rejections wouldn't hurt as bad.
Perhaps I will never know why I had to apply. March, April, May 2013 may come, and I will once again be confused about what to do with my life. But I trust. Whether I am rejected another dozen times or I actually start school again next year,
He is in control. On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground...is truly sinking sand.
He is in control. On Christ the solid rock I stand. All other ground...is truly sinking sand.
I wasn't planning on posting anything specific about the medical school process until the results came out. I think it was really out of pride, and also fear of what people would think. Like I already said, it's a humiliating process.
However, this process is a part of the story that I believe God is writing. I went into this scared. I'm still pretty scared, even if I want to trust God. I bet Moses was scared even if He trusted God. Joshua too. I can't really explain why I'm scared. It's a win-win situation for me. If I get in, wow. If i don't get in, phew, I don't have to go through nightmarish nights of studying and 36-hr night shifts.
In faith, I will follow where the Lord leads.
However, this process is a part of the story that I believe God is writing. I went into this scared. I'm still pretty scared, even if I want to trust God. I bet Moses was scared even if He trusted God. Joshua too. I can't really explain why I'm scared. It's a win-win situation for me. If I get in, wow. If i don't get in, phew, I don't have to go through nightmarish nights of studying and 36-hr night shifts.
In faith, I will follow where the Lord leads.
