Today I turned 22. I don't know what to say. I'm overwhelmed by God's crazy love...expressed today especially through the tangible love of my brothers and sisters while backpacking in the beautiful outdoors, devouring 5 birthday cakes, Denny's AND McDonalds, prayers, phone calls, quality time, tons of laughter...Thank you, Jesus. I really don't deserve anything I have received.
It was also through spending time in the wilderness with the five ICA folks at Point Reyes that I think I really started to experience God binding up and healing the wounds from the past semester. Danny, Akemi, David, Moon and Hwu- you guys made me feel so loved in the wilderness during our backpacking trip. Simply hiking through the woods, sweating, eating freeze-dried delightfulness, and most of all, enjoying God with y'all was such a tangible expression of God's love for me, and it made this fact finally sink from the head to my heart: "Ya know, God actually loves me for who I am :)" I'm SO thankful for you guys.
Haven't been very good about blogging since I started up again in June, but in light of this healing process, I took the time to look back at this testimony I wrote back in April which I shared at Large Group. Praise God that He's always doing new things that I can keep adding to this testimony of His amazing love and grace in just one girl's life. WOWmazing!!! Oh baby, GOD LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This testimony was written on April 22, 2009. For the past month, I’ve been really struggling to praise God in a wintery dark season of my life. Yet on the morning of April 22, God gave me a tissue to dry the tears on my face in the form of Psalm 143. Verses 5-6 read “I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done, I ponder the work of your hands. I stretch out my hands to you, my soul thirsts for you in a parched land.” Thus, the Lord encouraged me to remember the good He has bestowed upon my life and how He has been faithful to me. My application from my QT that day was to write out my testimony to remember how God has been good to me. My prayer is that through this story time you will see God’s mighty love for a broken and sinful girl and be reminded of His love for you as well.
In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth. He brought beauty out of chaos and life from the dust. Man was created, and a wonderful loving relationship was shared between God and His people as God gave good gifts to His children.
Sometime, I’m not sure when, God decided that He would create a girl named Victoria Liu. This girl was known by the Holy God of the Universe even when her fingers and nose and knees were still being knit together in her Taiwanese mother’s womb. And the Lord determined that this girl was to be brought into the world in the year 1987 in Pittsburgh, PA on the eighteenth day of the seventh month. And so it was done. And I believe that what God saw in this girl that He created was good.
Vicky was born into a family where she’d be raised by two strong Christian parents who both knew and loved the Lord.
One Sunday when Vicky was in the 2nd grade, she was reading her children’s Bible, and she saw a picture of Jesus suffering on the cross, and she started to cry. I think that’s when Vicky first realized that Jesus loved her. Little did she know as a seven year old, how huge this love of God really was.
When Vicky became old enough to join the youth group, God used her parents and youth pastor to show her that a life with Jesus was awesome, and she easily wanted to live her life for the Lord and know God. And so starting at the age of fourteen, Vicky began to experience God as a personal God and enjoy her relationship with Him.
God was really good to Vicky. He put her in a very comfortable home, where she was raised by loving parents. She was given healthy relationships with her friends, and she liked lots and lots of boys.Yet for some reason, Vicky began to believe that God could not love her the way she wanted to be loved and so she started to look for love elsewhere. Sometime in high school, Vicky began to really believe that she had to please people to be loved by them, particularly her parents. And God, in his love, let Vicky choose her own way, but He never left her side and was ready to pick her up when she fell.
During her high school years, Vicky did whatever she could to become that perfect daughter. She aced every single class in high school and graduated top of her class, won district and state flute competitions, became one of the top runners on the cross country and track team in high school, and she was even one of the most active youth leaders in church, if not the most. At home, she would love doing chores and caring for her younger sister. And oh yeah, she even dressed like a guy so that her dad could have a son and a daughter at the same time. While Vicky did all these things, she had no idea what type of a mess her heart was in. She saw her worth in her accomplishments as a daughter, but she did not feel satisfied. God decided that it was time to show Vicky that He was the only one who could really hold her together. So He brought her to UC Berkeley in 2005 even though Vicky really really really wanted to go to Yale.
Berkeley didn’t seem like such a bad choice to Vicky though. After all, it was her dad’s dream school back in the day. Yet as college began, God slowly began to strip things away from Vicky and the girl began to panic. She started getting B’s and even C’s. She limped around campus with an injured ankle and foot almost all the time, and because of this, she could not run and stay in shape. The orchestra conductor told Vicky that she wasn’t good enough for Berkeley’s symphony not once, but three times. And when Vicky returned back home after her first year of college, she had 20 extra pounds on her body. And for a girl, that was really embarrassing.
Vicky’s parents were shocked to see her physical appearance, and didn’t hide their shock either. When she was confronted by her parents about her weight, Vicky’s world totally fell apart. She saw herself as no longer that perfect daughter, but far from it. And her heart was completely torn into pieces as she began to believe that she had no more worth. God saw the pain and He hurt with her. He cried when Vicky wept. She was really confused, but God wanted to make her life clear of idols so that she could receive what she really wanted and needed: God’s unconditional love and grace.
During Vicky’s sophomore year, God spoke to her through Deuteronomy 8. He told her that he leads his people into the desert to humble them and test their hearts so that they can learn to depend on Him rather than things that are not trustworthy. Vicky began to see that God wanted to teach her that her identity had to be found in Christ alone. After reading this passage, Vicky thought she had it all figured out. She would go on with life and remember to find her identity in Jesus, and everything would be fine again. But this lesson was not that easy to learn.
Vicky went on V-SET after her 2nd year of college, spending two months in Asia with a team of eight people to share about Jesus with other people. V-SET is known to train people in character by breaking their strongholds, and Vicky was excited to broken. She was excited to be broken because she was prideful and wanted to prove that she was a spiritual superwoman, but she didn’t tell that to anyone. She went on V-SET, but didn’t feel broken up at all. She laughed all the time, loved her team and students, and genuinely enjoyed God. By the time V-SET ended, she was actually quite disappointed because she felt SO whole and SOO unbroken. She loved V-SET to death. At first, she thought God didn’t want to break her, but He actually REALLY wanted to break her well.
The semester right after V-SET, God led Vicky to take a semester off and spend it in southern California with her family. Her family was planning on starting up a church plant that fall and Vicky felt God leading her to help them through the transition. When Vicky returned to her family after V-SET, her joys and excitement from missions left within a span of two days. While she was in Asia, God had closed many doors for her dad’s ministry and her family had struggled through the darkest summer ever, Vicky came home to a very dark desert. She was ready to serve her family, but instead found herself with nothing to do. She began to wonder if God really wanted her to come to SoCal or if she had made a big mistake.
So during the fall semester in SoCal, Vicky’s parents just asked her to study. But…Vicky had nothing to study because her classes at the community college were all too easy. She tried reading the Word and lots of other books and spent a lot of time with Jesus, but her heart just wasn’t in it. During V-SET, she was always so busy doing things, but at home, she did nothing but cry. She wanted to give to God, give to her family, but she had nothing to give but the many tears she wept because she was confused and she dearly missed her friends from V-SET and Berkeley. She felt horrible and told Jesus, “I’m so sorry, I have nothing to give.” And all she could do was cry because she saw her worth in the things she did and not in Christ alone. Because she had nothing to do or give, she felt useless. But God didn’t want Vicky to give Him anything. He just wanted to hold her hand and let the girl he created enjoy His perfect love. And although it was hard, Vicky was for the first time quieted by His love as she wept before Jesus’ feet for four months.
For many years, Vicky has been seeking love from people. She has wanted love from people and she wants to feel like she’s worth something. God knows what Vicky wants, but more importantly, He knows what Vicky Liu needs. Today, Vicky is still healing from very deep wounds. She still cries when she thinks that people don’t love her. She constantly wants to be someone in this world even though the Bible tells her that all that matters is what God thinks on that day she stands before His throne. She has tried so hard to seek unconditional love from the people that she loves and has been very disappointed. This 21 year old girl is really messed up. There’s so much for her to learn and such a lack of faith in her heart. And God sees all her weaknesses.
However, two thousand years ago, God also thought of Vicky. He said, I will love Vicky with an everlasting love and draw her to myself. Even though He knew Vicky would reject the perfect God Almighty and make an idol out of her parents, he still chose to love her. And although he knew Vicky would make junior high boys cry and that she would seek her own glory among man, He still saw Vicky as a girl who was “worth it”. While she was still a sinner, Jesus Christ died for her on the cross. This is the beauty of the gospel in Vicky’s life. She is messed up and still broken in many ways right now. Vicky doesn’t completely trust in Jesus today, but still seeks after false gods. But Christ has already paid the cost because He loved her and will love her forever. His grace, like water, flows down, to the lowest places in her soul. And although he has performed surgery multiple times to take out the ugly things in her heart, he sews up the wounds and restores her into someone even better.
To close, I want to share the opening lyrics of one of my favorite songs by Chris Tomlin. It’s actually an old hymn, but Chris sings changed it up a little. The song says,
All the way my Savior leads me
Who have I to ask beside
How could I doubt His tender mercy
Who through life has been my guide
All the way my Savior leads me
Cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me grace for every trial
Feeds me with the living Bread
You lead me and keep me from falling
You carry me close to Your heart
And surely Your goodness and mercy will follow me
I heard Chris sing this song live about two months ago, and I’ve been playing it over and over as a reminder of my Savior’s sufficient grace and unfailing love. Although we are all broken people in some way, shape or form, we have hope in our perfect God. Brothers and sisters, I hope that you will remember the beauty of the cross in your life and the glorious hope you have in Jesus today. Because it really is so so soooooooooooooooo incredible. The end
