For all you looking forward to moving on from school...it doesn't really get much better.
For all of you older than me, I have much respect for your perseverance.
A sorta abridged version of an email I wrote to my parents and sister:
Hello Family,
I'll try to keep it short.
This is kind of a funny story…but it pointed to the fact that I probably have bigger issues to deal with.
On Sunday after service, everyone broke into small groups to have a time or sharing/prayer. The pastor met with all the Berkeley people during this time. He asked how we were doing and wanted to go around the circle and have everyone share.
When he simply asked “how are you doing” I started to cry…and then I said I wanted to die because following Jesus was too hard.
It was really embarrassing. I had no intention of crying or saying that I wanted to die...it was so stupidly dramatic. I tried to stop but it just came out.
What makes it funny is that circumstances are actually quite good and any outsider would think I should be a happy person. I have a full-time job, I have so much freedom to do what I like- run, go to concerts, read in coffee shops, hangout with friends, I have a church family that really does care for me, and I have a family that really supports me. I have so much more than I need.
Like I shared a little on the phone a couple weeks ago, I started to feel that life is too long and hard. I’m only 24, and this path of knowing Christ and being sanctified into a more humble and holy person is terribly difficult at times. It frightens me that I might have to live until the age 70 or more if the Lord wills. The path to pure joy in Christ is often the path with the most pain- and I don’t want to fight the fight anymore.
All this uncertainty in life is overwhelming. I don’t know what I’m living for other than “God” but oftentimes I’m not sure what that it means be walking with God- don’t know how long I will be in this company, don’t know if I will ever be married or if I'm going to be single forever, don’t know if God wants me to be a doctor or go into research, don’t know how long or how to minister to the freshmen here, don’t know what’s coming next.
I can’t imagine living life for 50 more years. Don’t know how dad and mom did it. Talk to you soon.
Love,
Vicky
Yet at the same time, I don't want a life full of certainty. That'd bore me to death too.
He is faithful, even when I am faithless. A life lived by faith. Eeek, what a journey.
I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.
Philippians 4:11
Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
Romans 4:20-21
Because He lives
I can face tomorrow.
