Chill

Answers. I’ve been frantically searching for them since the last time I blogged.

Where should I live? What church should I attend? What should I do with my life? Is it possible to find a Midwesternish man in California…?

Some answers came.

But I think deep down, my biggest question was, “God, what on earth am I even here for?”

This fall was a difficult season. Not because I was super busy, but because I wasn't.

God led me to join a new church so I stepped away from college ministry and became a new girl for the first time after being part of the same Berkeley fellowship since Fall 2005.

My best friend from high school, Mila, moved to San Diego at the end of August. She had moved from Boston to SF ~1.5 years prior, and it had been such a sweet time with her in the Bay Area.  Not only had our friendship grown so much deeper as we suffered through the miserable 20s together, but she had slowly opened up to the idea that God was crazy about her. We started going to church together this summer, and in my mind, things were really good.

And then, God moved her away.

Basically, when September hit, the two most important “people” in the Bay Area were no longer part of my everyday routine. I trusted that God was doing what was best, but I felt absolutely useless.

There were lonely weeks. There were many days where I felt completely worthless. A nobody. I tried to come up with different solutions. For awhile, I started looking into dentisty. Teaching. Seminary. 

I was super ready to take action and follow some amazing life calling, but in my time with Jesus, He strangely kept calling me to just “chill” an continue living my present life faithfully.

I’m terrible at “chilling.” If I have down time, I will put on my running shoes and run for 2 hours. That is my idea of chilling- going somewhere.

No, God! USE ME.

NOW.

A couple Fridays ago, I met up with a close college friend of mine and then with the pastor and his wife for a “spiritual gift” assessment. I told them that it had been a season of nothingness, and I wanted answers, but wasn’t getting any. It was killing me.

Strangely, all of them told me the same thing that God’s been telling me all season long. 

“Chill. Just enjoy God’s love. You’re in a really good place.”

Because when I am weak, He is strong.

It’s a difficult concept for me to grasp. I’m not going to lie. They told me these comforting words, and I started crying in response. Tears of frustration and relief. I think the two can co-exist. I’m a girl. Tehehe.

Frustration because I have a deep fear of a life wasted. Relief because it was clearly not in my control and I worship a God so much bigger than my fears.

In today’s society, a lot people live for status. I’m guilty of it too. My shallow self itches to have some facebook status/profile to prove that I’m of worth. Honestly, I think these past six months, heaaack, all my life, I wanted to constantly have some status of moving forward, but God told me to chill. My worst nightmare.

But I love how my pastor's wife put it so bluntly to me that evening.

"God doesn't need you."

I really needed to hear that.

However meaningless I thought these months have been, this season of zero-status have renewed this gospel-thirsty heart once again. I forgot that God doesn't work via Instagram. I wanted instant gratification, but Christ's image in my heart would only be established in the darkrooms of life. This quiet season has been in His love and wisdom. Christmas break was a humbling dose of God's Truth.

 “he had no form or majesty that we should look at him, and no beauty that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not.” Isaiah 53:2-3

In my brokenness, He understands. The life I have right now is because of His goodness.

This is my God.