Usually I would be outside on a long run, but my left foot is killing me and I’m starting to think that sometimes in life, you just have to drink coffee and write instead of running your heart out every single day of your life.
Here is an excerpt from Donald Miller’s Through Painted Deserts (excellent book) that I really liked:
I think I would sum it up this way: life is not a story about me, but it being told to me, and I can be glad of that. I think that is the why of life, and in fact, the why of this ancient faith I am caught up in: to enjoy God. The stars were created to dazzle us, like a love letter; light itself is just a metaphor, something that exists outside of time, made up of what seems like nothing, infinite in its power, something that can be experienced but not understood, like God. Relationships between men and women indicate something of the nature of God— that he is relational, that He feels love and loss. It’s all a metaphor, and the story is about us; it’s about all of us who God made, and God Himself, just enjoying each other.
Life really is a story being told to us. A story about God’s love for silly, silly people. Yesterday, I was talking to my coworker about how I think people are just so silly. We want to be cool, we want to be liked, we want to be righteous, we want to be sexy, we want to be comfortable, but in the end, we’re just so incredibly silly.
It’s pretty neat when you can tell a chapter of your life just ended and a new one is about to begin. Like that time when things start to fall into place, and the eclectic collage of events becomes another small image in an endless mural called God’s glory.
I think I’ve reached the end of a chapter. A chapter called Majestic Whispers.
So when did this chapter begin? Probably back in November 2009, when my burnout from ministry happened. When I was so tired of phony Christians and this whole religion thing and wanted quits. I was desperate for love, for approval from the people in my life. At the root of the issue, I didn't believe that God was the One I wanted to worship. I didn't believe His grace on the cross was sufficient to satisfy my need for love. Jesus seemed more of a burden than a joy, and everything just drove me nuts.
That happened about 1.5 years ago. I stepped out of ministry during winter break and I still remember meeting up with the church leaders over dinner and crying so hard. “I can’t do it anymore. I just can’t.”
I don’t get angry very often. Actually, no, that’s a lie. I do get angry, but I let the anger build up slowly and then SURPRISE, I will blow up in SILENCE and never talk to you again. Note: character issue to work on.
So coming into January 2010: this was what was running through my heart: “God, I know you’re real and I want to believe you are good. But I hate ministry, I hate people, I hate school, I don’t know what to do with my life, and the fact that I have to find a job terrifies me. Can I just move to Boston and start over?”
God heard my cry. I know with all my heart that He did. And even though I deserved to be destroyed by His holy wrath, God decided instead to calm me with His whispers. In my angry silence, Jesus spoke to me, month after month, day after day.
I don’t really know how to give an account of my past year except by listing the times I cried. God works in my heart when I cry. The funny thing is that most of my friends, even my closest girlfriends, have not really seen me cry. But I am such a crybaby, and God knows that, but I think He loves it too.
Hahahaha.
So here it goes, and I’ll write in third person. It helps me put into perspective what God does.
The times when an angry girl named Vicky cried in 2010:
1.Vicky cried when God led her for the first time to Westgate Community Church. She cried because God’s presence was so real and big. And in the weeks to come, she’d continue to cry because God’s grandness was overwhelming. She had forgotten in the midst of “serving” in ministry that her God was this big.
2.Vicky cried she was with her parents on the phone or in person. Her parents helped her out immensely- praying for her, feeding her, listening to her. A lot of healing happened this past year as she became more vulnerable with her parents than ever before. God revealed Himself as healer.
3.Vicky cried when she had to ask her friends to forgive her. She realized that her anger towards many of the people in her life was due to her own pride and ingratitude. Although humbling, she was thankful to be reminded that God is her savior. The apologizing all happened last spring 2010 but God knew she needed at least another year to heal before He would bring her back.
4.Vicky cried when God was so beautiful to her in Emeryville. Do you ever have moments where you just look at something beautiful and start crying? Vicky went on a lot of romantic runs and walks with Jesus, probably hundreds of miles in the past year, and there would be times she would just CRY because God is beautiful.
5.Vicky cried when she felt lonely. Living alone had its joy, but also times of deep emptiness. And attending a huge church alone had its benefits, but in the end became difficult as well. However, in the times of solitude with Jesus, she was reminded that Jesus was her indeed best friend who was with her wherever she went.
Now it’s March, wait April 2011. April...!?!
It probably took quite of few gallons of tears for God to humble her to where she is today, but those gallons of tears all fell into this bucket in her heart that is labeled as "God's love in Vicky's life", and it’s overflowing again with gratitude. Crybaby is overflowing.
End of chapter.
So there it is. A year of God's love in the stillness of quiet tears. Even though I “disappeared” from my church and the lives of a lot of people, God still showed up and did His thing. He doesn’t waste our days, our years, at all. His gentle whispers have said over and over to me: "I love you."
I'm pretty excited for the next chapter. Perhaps excited isn't the word. Because I know I'm going to cry a lot and it's going to be hard, but God will humble me with His love even more.
