I don't know how many times David said those words in his message last night.
"It's not about you."
But I'm glad that with each repetition, it hurt, like hell.
Pride sucks, dude. It really sucks.
"The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and a man is tested by his praise." Proverbs 27:21
I think this is my worst failed test in college.
Worse than my D in my last counterpoint assignment, worse than my 32/150 on that organic chemistry midterm. Even more miserable than that 3 hr physiology final exam when I just sat blank the entire time.
The past 2.5 years, I've made such a big deal out of...me.
During my QT this morning, I was trying to think back to when I started to be so bitter.
My conclusion: I think it was right after V-SET 07. The overseas missions experience was the most vivid experience of God's saving power that I had ever witnessed. It was ALL God.
But by the end of the summer, I was getting loads of comments like,
"You're my role model." "Vicky always points me to God." "You have such a giving heart." "Vicky's the evangelism machine." "If anyone could do it, it'd be Vicky." "You're totally going to be a missionary/pastor's wife." "I can't wait to see who your holy, holy man is going to be."
I was tested by praise. And I failed miserably. MISERABLY.
Once I received the praise I was itching for in the depths of my heart, I started believing I didn't deserve to be treated a certain way, that I didn't deserve to have certain people in my life. And everything was about me being happy...I no longer sought the joy of God's glory, but experienced the pain of seeking my own.
I think this is what I've observed in my life these past years.
Pride-->Frustration-->Disappointment-->Hurt-->Bitterness-->Sucks
Pride creeps up on you like I don't know what. But it's horrible, and I'm usually too prideful to admit that it's there.
If you don't believe me, go ahead, be proud. It's going to suck. I've cried so many stupid tears because I've been so focused on myself when GOD is constantly giving and working.
My feelings of bitterness have been probably the most selfish thing I could've done with my problems, and I struggled with bitterness for months, years.
Yeah, grossness. :(
Today, while running Western Blots in lab and giving a journal presentation in class and taking notes in lecture...all I could think about was, EEEEWW!
It was a really strange day.
The sad thing about pride, is that once you realize that you're prideful, you think you're humble, and then you become disgustingly proud again.
So how does one become humble? I am NOT the person to ask.
CJ Mahaney's book "Humility" is pretty decent, but I think in theory it comes down to Jesus.
There's hope, HOPE, HOOOOPE!!!
When the temple curtain was torn as Jesus breathed His last, 60ft x 30ft x 4in of cloth was completely split and God extended His hand to us, as prideful and dirty as we were.
Today, God still offers His hand, His grace, His blessing.
Wow.
We can still be new creations, in Jesus.
Prone to wander, Lord I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Take my heart, oh, take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
I think someone's praying for me. Because this week has been really weird.
